Moments of Devastation
by Serenita
Summary: He knew the moment he looked down what he would see would devastate him. He knew the pain he would feel would tear him from the inside out and he would never recover from it, for he knew it was his beloved whose lifeless body he held in his arms.


Moments of Devastation

So…after going on a sailor moon kick and re-watching the series as well as the movies I had an inspiration. I decided I wanted to write some of my favorite Sailor Moon moments from perspectives we don't really get to see (plus I like seeing Mamoru all angsty and tormented….hee hee) so I am, slowly, going to be putting out chapters with different scenes that I love re-written from perspectives that I've always wanted. Most will be Usako and Mamoru, but there will be some others and I am more than welcome to suggestions (if I think I can do them effectively). So please review, be nice if flaming, but please please review if you like this ( I love reviews, more more more yay!) Eh hem….anyways…

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own sailor moon, and some of the dialogue below is directly from the movie and I don't own that either.

The Promise of the Rose

Everything was cold, so unbelievably cold. He felt as if he was surrounded by ice, filled with ice so that all he knew was this incredible cold. It took him a few moments to realize that he completely numb and filled with an emptiness that went through and through to his core. The numbness was extraordinary and it was causing unimaginable pain. He wondered how could one be numb and in agonizing pain at the same time? He felt nothing, and yet could feel the pain that radiated through his body, the worst pain he had ever known and yet…

He knew this feeling. He had known it once before, long, long ago. It had almost killed him then and now it was…

What had happened? Why was he in this state? Why did he feel as if his heart had stopped beating even though he was certain it still was? Why was it so hard to breathe when it should be so easy? Why did the thought of continuing on in this state make him want to curl up in a ball and forget the world? What had caused him this overwhelmingly devastating grief?

He wasn't exactly sure where he was. He heard cries…cries of grief, of pain, of shock, of devastation and of hopelessness. The ground was hard beneath his knees and he felt no solace, no place suited for comfort. His vision was blurry, obscured, and he was unable to see anything but shadows and darkness. The land mass was barren and the cold wind whipped painfully at him, biting at his face, his arms, his soul. He couldn't sense any source of comfort, of relief for his suffering. All he knew was this empty, horrible agony.

_Was this hell?_

His vision began to clear suddenly, everything slowly coming into focus. Dark shadows becoming shapes and clear figures of people around him. He could see the faces of the senshi surrounding him, their clothes torn and tattered, their skin dirtied and bloody, and their eyes filled with heartbroken tears. Why were they crying, looking so helpless, so desolate in their pain? They had fought monsters and faced horrors daily, what could cause them to be so…

He then realized that there was a weight in his arms, a familiar and yet disturbing weight of a form he was gripping tightly to him. A chill crept up his spine, adrenaline pumping through his system as an ominous feeling fell upon him. He knew the moment he looked down what he would see would devastate him. He would feel the cold and the numbness that would overwhelm him and threaten never to loosen their grip on him. He knew the pain he would feel would tear him from the inside out and he would never recover from it, for he knew it was his beloved whose lifeless body he held in his arms.

She and the senshi had come to save him after Fiore had tried to kill her, tried to take her away from him and he had been injured protecting her. The moment he realized that Fiore intended to kill her, intended to remove her from his life, he didn't think, he just moved. He had felt the pain of Fiore's talons enter him, and it was agony, but he knew it was little to bare opposed to losing her. He had heard her cries, felt her soft arms hold him to her, and felt her warm tears drop upon his face. Knowing she was suffering was more than he could stand, but it was nothing compared to the pain he would feel if he lost her.

He had broken free from the glass tomb Fiore had place him in after seeing his love being tortured, her body battered and bruised, her energy drained by Fiore. The sight tore at his heart and he was desperate to stop his love's pain, so he showed Fiore, the only way he could, that he would always, _always_, choose her over him. The look of betrayal and loss on his old friends face hurt him and cut him deeply, but it was very little in comparison to what he would feel if he truly lost her.

He had knelt by his love's side even though he thought what she was doing was dangerous, far too dangerous in the state she was in. He had held her arms steady as they shook under the strain of using the crystal and gave her his power with the little strength he had left in him. He had felt all of their combined power run through her and stop the rock from descending from earth …and then a moment later he had felt her life force leave. He had felt the devastating pain, but his mind, protecting him from the truth, had allowed him a few precious moments of oblivion. Now he knew the truth. He knew he had lost her and the pain he felt shredded him through and through.

He was trembling, his breathing ragged, and his eyes wide as he gazed upon the pale, lifeless, lightless but still beautiful face of his Usako. He knew she was gone, knew she was completely lost to him the moment she fell back into his arms. He knew he had once again allowed her to die in front of him as she had so many years ago. He had failed to protect her, failed to keep her alive. He had failed her as her friend, as her lover and as her protector. He had broken the promise he had made to himself that he would never allow her to leave his side ever again regardless of who or what tried to tear them apart.

A sudden image of her came to him, the memory of that day crystal clear in his mind. They were in his apartment, on his bed and he was telling her of his past, his painful tragic past. He could see the sympathy and love she held in those beautiful, tearful eyes as he felt his lower lip trembling at the painful memory. He had turned his face away from her, trying to save face from the weakness he was showing, only to turn back to her in surprise when feeling the weight of her head on his knee, her hands resting gently, comfortingly on his leg. She looked up at him, so earnest through her wet eyes, showing how much she cared for him by those genuine, innocent tears.

_'I'm your family now, Mamo-chan.'_ Those words she had spoken had changed his world. He knew that as long as she was by his side he would never be alone again. He knew she would always care for him, always love him, always support him; she would always be the most important person in his life. He knew that he would spend the rest of his life with this woman. He knew that regardless of their past, regardless of everything that they had been through, just as Mamoru and Usagi they loved each other, needed each other, and truly wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. He had been so truly blissful in this realization. He had known that he would never have to have concern about their relationship ever again.

But now she was gone. She was his light, his heart, his life and she had left him all alone in the cold, dark hell that was his existence. He remembered the way he had acted the day before, pulling away from her, embarrassed of displaying affection in public, in front of all their friends, when all she wanted was one kiss. He knew just one kiss from him could make her ecstatically happy, and he loved that about her. But instead he allowed his pride get in the way and walked away from her when he knew others were watching, like he was embarrassed of her. He had taken her for granted as he always did so often, so many times. He had refused her, he had taken her love for him for granted and the knowledge of it was killing him.

He knew that he would soon be following her. He had just moved through the motions of life up until the moment she shined her brightness into his dark world and he would not, could not, return to that state of being again. No, he would gladly choose death than to live life without her.

"_Mamoru-kun…"_ A soft voice called to him, pulling him away from the desolate darkness he was in. He slowly lifted his eyes to see Fiore in front of him and everything else fell away.

"Fiore…" Was all he was able to speak before the tension in his throat clamped down on his vocal chords and prevented him from saying anything without his voice shaking horribly.

"Thank you. You and Sailor Moon have saved me again." Fiore said with a smile on his face. Mamoru felt something tear deep within him when Fiore mentioned her, remembering everything she had done for the both of them. It caused him to hold what remained of her closer to him. "Mamoru, now, I will full fill that promise." Fiore continued before he opened his palm to reveal a beautiful flower that sparkled and shined. In the next moment Fiore became a child again, standing before him as he was the day Mamoru had first met him. "This is a flower of life. It contains the sum of all my energy. Give the nectar of this flower to Sailor Moon."

Mamoru stared, his mind going completely blank. Fiore was offering his life in exchange for Usako's. She could come back; he could bring her back to him. He felt a small tremor of an emotion he was to afraid to name, afraid of it causing only a deeper pain if the nectar wasn't enough to bring her back to him. He was desperate at the thought of it not working, of being given the possibility of her coming back to him and then having it taken away again. If it didn't work he wouldn't be able to come back from it, he would become catatonic. But he knew he had to try, he couldn't not try. He needed her more than he needed breath, more than his own life, because she was his life and his world. He would save her. He had to. He had to. He tilted his head down and placed his lips upon the flower bringing the sweet nectar into his mouth. He found that it tasted full of life and brightness, just like his Usako.

All he could see in front of him was his true love, his heart, his life that he held so tenderly in his arms. He was so desperate to bring light back to her face, for her to open her beautiful blue eyes and smile at him with the smile he had been taking for granted for so long. He brought her lips to his quickly, suddenly, and kissed her with all the love and tenderness, with all the passion and need for her that he had within him. He kissed her harshly, desperately as he was trying to will her to life with his lips, by his love for her alone. He prayed, pleaded, called to her as he poured the life nectar into her lips. _'Usako…Usako…please…please…Usako…'_

A few still moments passed with no response and he felt overwhelming despair threatening to take over him. Then, suddenly, he felt her lips growing warm and responding to his kiss with that gentle, familiar pressure he loved so much. He pulled away and opened his eyes slowing, all awhile praying that when he opened them he would see her smiling face. Her brilliant sky blue eyes stared back his cerulean ones and a moment of silence passed as they gazed deep into the others. He was stunned, frozen, unable to move in fear that this was all an illusion; that she wasn't really…that she was still…

"_Mamo-chan…"_ He stiffened at the sound of her sweet, clear voice, his eyes widening in surprise. Overwhelming joy flowed through him at the sight and sound of her, she was safe, she was alive, she was with him again and he could hardly believe such a miracle had happened. He could feel the unfamiliar prickling sensation of tears welling up behind his eyes, fighting back his tears caused by her voice, her smile.

She glanced over at the senshi that surrounded them who he had all but forgotten. _"Minna…"_ Her eyes met his once again, a smile crossing her face at the sight of him. _"I told you that I would protect everyone…"_ She said so simply, so absolutely, as if her death and miraculously bring her back to life was something expected, necessary in order to protect the earth, protect them all. It was so completely selfless, so innocent, so typical of his Usako. It was as if deep down she knew that he would find a way to bring her back, as if she knew he do everything, anything to keep her by his side, because she knew how much he really loved her.

Relief and intense love for the woman he held in his arms overwhelmed him as his tears welled up and overflowed unchecked. He simply nodded with a small smile in return; he couldn't speak even if he wanted to. The senshi around them grabbed at her and attempted to cling to her, but he held her to him with an iron grip. They couldn't have her, no one could ever have her. She was his own, his love, his family and his life, she had died and come back to life for him. He would never take what they had for grated ever again.

She reached up to touch his cheek, seeing the tears in his eyes and a look of concern crossed her face. He shook his head before burying his tearstained face into her neck, gently kissing her throat and promised never let her go ever again. He never really knew how long they laid there like that, crying on her shoulder, his body trembling, unable to speak, holding on to her so tightly as if she would disappear in front of his eyes if he ever let her go with the senshi all around them, staring at them with incredulous looks of surprise. And this time, he really didn't give a damn.

***

His body was shaking violently as he stood unsteadily on his feet, leaning over his Usako, his body pressing her against the door of his apartment as he gripped her to him possessively with one arm and used the other to support his suddenly weak knees. His hands were clenched into shaking fists, fighting back against the overwhelming emotion. He had buried his face in her hair, not wanting her to see the painful expression on his face, not wanting her to see the sadness on his face. He knew she was scared for him, she had never seen him act this way. She was worried because she couldn't understand why he was trembling in her arms, couldn't understand why all of a sudden, the moment they got on the other side of his front door, he practically collapsed in front of her.

From the moment she came back to him he hadn't let her go. While she said her goodbye's to her friends, he had held her hand fiercely within his own, his face stony and unexpressive, never once giving any slack, any leeway, any option for her to pull her hand out of his. When they had told Chibi-usa what had happened and comforted her until she felt safe, when Usagi had called her parents from a payphone saying she was staying over at Rei's for the night, and all during their quiet, soft-spoken walk to his apartment he had never let his iron grip on her hand loosen. He had been fine during all of this, perfectly sane. He had smiled and spoke tenderly when he spoke to his daughter, he was somewhat cold to the senshi, but he never acted harshly or unusual, and on his walk back alone with his Usako he was quieter than usual, but still completely stable, completely typical Mamoru.

But once he got her completely alone, once he got on the other side of his apartment door he let that careful mask fall and all of his fear, his anger, his desperation at loosing her, the terror that he had felt, the agony he had suffered and the absolute pure relief he felt all came rushing out at once. It was staggering and he couldn't stand steady on his feet. He pulled her to him desperately and breathed in her scent deeply, reassuring himself that she was okay, she was with him, she was alive. He knew he was scaring her, he could feel her small arms pulling on his shirt, trying to pull him away for the door so she could see his face. But he knew the sight of him would frighten her, she would only blame herself for his torment.

"Mamo-chan…" She spoke softly, with her sweet voice, gently lifting her hand to his hidden face, desperate to see him. "…Mamo-chan…what's wrong…please…please tell me…Mamo-chan…?" He could hear the fear, the worry in his voice and it pained him. Of course she would be worried about him right after she was brought back to life, that was just the way she was, that was one of the things he loved about her. He took a deep breath, swallowing back against the thickness he felt in his throat, before pulling back and bringing his face close to hers. He saw her eyes widen in surprised worry before she quickly moved to cup his face in her hands. "Mamo-chan!" She gasped in surprise. "What's wrong…what…"

"You died, Usako." He said softly, his voice raspy and shaking. She jerked at his words, her eyes softening in realization, biting her lower lip in worry.

"Mamo-chan…"

"No…you died, Usako…you died…and….I thought I had lost you forever…I'm sorry, love…I didn't mean to make you feel guilty…but, God….Usako, I never want to feel that way again…I never want to experience anything like that ever again…" As he spoke he could feel himself regain some of his strength and he moved his hand off his door, placing it gently behind her head, tilting it so her eyes easily met his own.

"But I'm fine now, Mamo-chan… I'm fine… I'm here…I'm not leaving you…I'm never, ever leaving you…" She said with her soft, reassuring voice, knowing well what her love was feeling, having experienced it before, and regretting deeply that she had to put him through such pain. He saw the guilt in her eyes and pulled her closer to him, kissing her deeply, fully, passionately, kissing her as he promised to always kiss her, full of his desperate love for her. He felt her respond willingly, passionately, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her lips fiercely to his own.

He picked her up, pressing her against his door, feeling her legs lift and press against his waist. He deepened their kiss, he was desperate and he needed the feel of her to reassure him that everything would be okay, everything was going to be okay. They never knew how long they were there, kissing, caressing and clutching each other tightly, but sometime later they found themselves laying on the floor, leaning against his front door, both of their lips bruised, hair wild and breathing ragged, clinging intently to one another. There was then a few moments of perfect silence as she rested her head against his chest and he tenderly caressed her face, her neck, her arms. He just listened to the sound of her slightly labored breathing as they regained their breath. At that moment it was the most beautiful sound he could ever imagine.

"Mamo-chan…" She started softly.

"Hmm…?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Usako…"

"No…I'm sorry I left you like that…I'm sorry I had to put you through that…I remember how it feels and I…I would never want you to suffer like that….I'm sorry…" She lifted her head off his chest so her eyes met his. "I love you, Mamo-chan… I won't leave you alone again…we're family, remember?" He smiled in return before placing his hand under her chin and pulling her to him, kissing her softly, tenderly.

"Yes, Usako, yes…I love you too…I love you so much more than you can ever know." She then smiled that true, bright and blissful smile that he loved so much and he knew everything was going to be okay.

He was going to love her forever, that was a promise he would keep.


End file.
